After Gus
by andshewasahurricane
Summary: She's still mourning the loss of her friend. So what happens to Hazel after Gus? It is too early to tell, but rumour has it she's getting together with Isaac. Truth? Read my take to find out what happens to Hazel after TFiOS. Reviews are much welcomed. I apologize for the fact that I don't really have a set update schedule, so my updates might be sporadic. More info on my profile.
1. Prologue

Hazel never thought HE would die first. Him, the healthier one, the one who had a lesser chance of dying before the girl with lung cancer would. It's two months after his funeral and Hazel is still not over Gus's death. She barely made it through the service, sobbing into Isaac's shoulder. The meet with Mr. Peter Van Houten at the end of the service was an unpleasant one. Seeing him reminded Hazel of Amsterdam; the last time she truly had a good time, the last time she saw Gus as Gus and not Augustus Waters, the boy who used big words incorrectly and literally.

It's February, the anniversary of when she first started going to the Cancer Support Group in the Literal Heart of Jesus. Nowadays, the faintest memories trigger her. She's been in bed for two days, still not ready to face the world. Mrs. Lancaster decided it would be a good idea if she took the next semester off of classes just in case Hazel "relapses". While Hazel knows the real reason she's not attending any classes this semester at the community college, she's not about to deny herself days of rereading An Imperial Affliction and hanging out with Isaac. Isaac. These days, he's her rock and closest companion, and the only reason she bothers to get out of bed before 12 pm.

Her phone buzzes and her heart skips. Isaac? She takes unhooks herself from Phillip, her night oxygen machine, and laces her oxygen nubbins back in place. She grabs her phone off of her nightstand and smiles. It was Isaac.


	2. Chapter 1: Hazel

Isaac: _**The Price of Dawn is awaiting your presence.  
**_Me: _**Can't wait. I'll be over soon  
**_Isaac: _**I'll be waiting…**_

I set my phone down on my bed and walk over to my desk. Every morning since Gus died, I've been writing in a journal, letters to him. I know it he can't read them because he's…dead, but I like the idea of still being able to talk to him through my letters. It was recommended by Dr. Maria that I go see a psychiatrist after he died. I was reluctant, but went anyways, knowing I couldn't be sad forever. The shrink suggested I write these "letters" to Gus. I've never been much of a writer, and as much as I hate to admit it, I really like it. Is it weird to think that the old Hazel would only recite poetry, but never to write it? And now the new Hazel writes it as if it is the oxygen flowing through her cannula? Fancy that, I never thought I'd write poetry, much less for my dead boyfriend. Oh Gus. I miss you. No! Hazel, what are you doing? Stop thinking about Gus! He's DEAD for chrissakes get OVER yourself already! It's time to move on, Hazel! I shake my head as if to clear it from all thoughts of Augustus. I close my journal and look at the last text from Isaac one more time. _I'll be waiting. _

I throw on a pair of jeans and my black Rock For Life hoody. I got it a year ago for Amsterdam but never got around to wearing it. Thank God. Now, I wear it all the time. There's something about the defiant message it sends out and the mortified look on the faces of strangers whenever I wear it that makes me feel so strong. I mean, there's nothing wrong with it, I'm promoting life. I head downstairs and see my mom sitting at the table, eating a piece of toast and reading the newspaper. I pause at the bottom of the staircase. Her glasses are perched on the bridge of her nose, and her coffee mug has lipstick stains along the rim. She's wearing the scarf and slippers Dad and I bought her for Mother's Day. Mom usually keeps the house quite cold, so she almost always has a scarf around her neck. She hasn't looked this peaceful in ages. A small smile creeps across her face and I know she's reading the comics. I want to remember this picture. I know that when I walk across the threshold, she will get up and go about her business for the day. She'll ask me about Isaac and I'll say he's fine. She'll ask if I'm feeling okay and I'll say I'm feeling great. She'll ask me if I've seen my dad lately and I'll freeze and then things will get awkward. I don't want to shatter the silence and beauty of the moment, but my stomach makes a loud growling sound. Mom folds her newspaper and looks up at me, startled. "Hazel! I didn't expect you to be up so early today. Is everything okay?"

I couldn't sleep last night. I'm actually going for a run. Okay, I'm going for a walk. "I'm fine, Mom. Isaac wanted me over there earlier so we can play a little bit longer."

"Play? OH! You mean actually play as in playing that videogame. What's it called? The Blood of Morning?"

I blush. Mom can be so 8th-grade-boy sometimes. "Price of Dawn. I thought I told you Isaac and I are just friends, Mom come on you know I don't like him that way."

"Oh yes. You and Isaac are just "FRIENDS". I got it. Wink wink"

"I'm leaving now."

"You should really eat something before you go"

"I'll grab something on the way. I love you, Mom!"

"Okay, be safe. Tell Isaac I say hi."

As I pull out of the driveway, I notice in the rearview mirror, two little girls playing jump rope across the street. I sigh at the memory of Kaitlyn and I when we were younger. Before cancer. What I would give to be young again and…cancerless. You know, with friends who aren't freaked out by my bald head once I relapse and start chemo. Knock on wood, I've been in remission since my last episode before Amsterdam. All hail the mighty Phalanxifor! According to Kaitlyn, I could "live forever on Phalanxifor." Kaitlyn. I've missed hanging out with her but at the same time it's slightly uncomfortable for both of us. We have lived in such different worlds since I dropped out my parents took me out of public school. There have been a couple times when we meet up at the mall, but I always feel so disconnected. Someone pulled the plug on my high school social life a long time ago. It's junior year for her. She's probably thinking about the Valentine's day dance, and now that she's an upperclassman…well things are looking up for her. She's practically got the entire school wrapped around her finger…and she's not even a senior yet. Look out world, Kaitlyn is taking over.

My mind wanders as I'm driving. I know the drive to Isaac's by heart. I start thinking about the last time I was truly happy. Amsterdam. The cold chilly air, the "stars", and the Anne Frank House. How long am I allowed to mourn? When should I stop crying? Silly questions, I know, but I think about _him_. I can't stop thinking about him. And I will never stop loving him. My mind has drowned out the radio, my thoughts speaking louder than the pop-ish tunes that flood through the speakers. I don't even notice when I've pulled up to Isaac's house and find that I've been sitting in the driveway for what must've seemed like hours. Yeah, it was actually 30 minutes, Isaac told me later. He was waiting for me. He was sitting on the front porch steps with his little brother, Neil. He didn't get up when he saw me; I guess Neil must've said something. Okay, I have to admit, I have a weakness for older/younger sibling interaction. And Isaac looks so brotherly talking to Neil.

Don't get any ideas, I told you, I don't like him that way. Besides, he's Gus's best friend. I'm not the kind of girl who hooks up with her dead boyfriend's best friend. That's just so cliché. To all the people who say guys and girls can't _just_ be friends, watch me. I'm going to walk into that house right now and play some Price of Dawn with Isaac, maybe chat with Neil for a minute, and then drive myself home having only played video games with my beloved blind friend, and nothing else. Watch me.


	3. Chapter 2: Isaac

So a blind man walks into a bar. Like literally walks into a bar. Cus he's blind. Get it? Oh come on gimme a break I've gotta work this whole blind thing in my favour, don't I? Okay okay, I'll be serious now. Wait is it time for my close-up? Make sure you get my left side. Not my right, my left is my good side. Oh it's not that kind of close-up? Aw man, I was so ready to make my big début on television, too! Oh darn. I thought we were talking like interview here. Oh! I didn't realize this was a BOOK! I thought ASWAH was just writing for the fun of it. You know, writing what "happened" to Hazel after Gus died. What "happened" to ME after Gus died. My dear readers, ASWAH doesn't really _know_ what happened after Gus died. Only I, Isaac, can tell you that. But it's a secret, so don't tell anyone. It started out with darkness…

* * *

I couldn't sleep last night. You know, it's a funny thing, for a blind person to sleep. There is no real difference between sleeping and being awake besides consciousness. I'm constantly in the dark, and the gears in my head are turning whether I'm awake or asleep. When I'm asleep, I'm in space. When I'm awake...it's Hazelland. I still remember what she looks like from before I went blind. I don't know how I would've forgotten it. Her hair was brown, a hazelnut brown. It was short, but I can tell it's grown out since then. Her eyes were a beautiful hazel green. Everything about her was and is Hazel. I remember seeing her for the first time in Support Group. I nodded at her and let out a sigh, only audible to us. She returned the sigh and I let out an actual sigh of relief. There was a lot of sighing going on. But the second I asked Augustus to come with me, I knew I was over. There was no denying that connection, so I backed down and permitted myself to just be friends with her.

I friend-zoned myself. I mean, I still had Monica and she was the hottest beauty I'd ever laid eyes on, but Hazel was different. I made myself focus only on Monica and our make-out sessions. Her lips felt so good on mine, oh God. But as soon as I found out the cancer was back in my bloody eyes and was getting surgery, I felt her fading. One day after support group, I took Monica's hand and I lead her over to our spot. I kept murmuring "always", but she wasn't saying it back. I ignored the possibility of her wanting to break up with me after I got my surgery. It hurt too much to think about it. I wasn't ready to let her go, so I just pushed past my feelings and tried to get a response out of her. Nothing.

Fast forward to last night. Monica broke up with me after I got my surgery. It hurt like hell and I missed her every day. But back to why I couldn't sleep last night? Hazel. Hazel's eyes, Hazel's soft delicate touch, Hazel, Hazel, Hazel. i grabbed my phone and texted her. It was too early for her to be up; 4 am, but I figured she would see it when she woke up. I needed an excuse to see her. To be around her. To be with her. I frantically racked my brain for what I could use. After ten minutes, or what seemed like an eternity, I had it. Price of Dawn. My fingers flew over the braille letters and hit SEND.

Satisfied, I went back to sleep.

The next morning, I got a text around 12. Not unusually early for Hazel to be awake. What, with her taking the next semester off of classes, to "heal", she rarely gets up before noon. It was her mother's idea that she take the break and I guess it sounded good to her, but not for the obvious reasons. I know she's still hurting. My own mother told me to be careful with my feelings and hers. I'm not insensitive. I still miss him too, sometimes. She's not the only one suffering this loss though sometimes she sure makes it seem like she is.

He was my best friend. We did everything together. I don't mean that in the sappy-2nd-grade-BFFAEISDYFIOWCBFA(best friend forever and ever I'm serious don't you forget it or we can't be friends anymore) sort of way, but we were tight. He was there for me when I found out I had this mother-foxing eye cancer and I remember when he got his leg amputated. All those basketball trophies in his room? Yeah I broke those. He let me. When I started chemo, he was there in the room, cheering me on saying "FOX THIS CANCER ISAAC BEAT IT BEAT BEAT IT!" It hurt less because I was focusing on how ridiculous he looked with a pair of surgical gloves on his hands and prancing around the room(with the little space he had) as if he was a dancer in the Spring Ballet. He was there for me. I tried to be there for him, but some days he was just reticent and I knew that keeping my distance was the best thing I could do for him. He tried his best not to let his cancer get the best of him, but I could tell he was failing his last few months. He was frustrated and angry. Hazel made it better, but Hazel wasn't always there. She wasn't there and she didn't know what was happening. Because he didn't let her know.

He wanted to "protect" her by not telling her the truth about what was really happening to him. So she went on loving him not knowing that her boyfriend was going to die in a couple of months. I knew. I overheard my mom talking to Mrs. Waters on the phone. Next time I saw him, I asked him if it was true. He said

"Yes, they found more cancer and it looks grave. I've not much longer, Isaac. We're going to Amsterdam. We need to find this Peter Van Houten and find out what happens to Anna in the end of An Imperial Affliction. But that's not the reason we're going. I need to do something unforgettable with Hazel before I go so I don't feel like I've wasted my time here. Amsterdam. If I don't make it back, take care of her. Don't let her cry. Comfort her, Isaac. For me. She needs to know that its okay to move on, please Isaac. "

I was speechless. Here we had my best friend talking about the girl he loved more than anything else in the world and what would happen to him after he. I can't even say it. I can't believe we had that conversation, that actual conversation, it makes me so angry why did we have that conversation? I knew it would have to happen sometime, but I thought we'd have longer. I didn't want to think about it. It was hard, why the hell would I want to think about my best friend leaving forever? I was angry. "You're not leaving, Gus. Not now, you can't go now. Come on, man be serious please you can't be serious tell me you are not leaving, Augustus Matthias Waters, TELL ME!"

I can't talk anymore. But to answer his request, yes. Yes, Augustus, I will take care of Hazel for you.

* * *

_**"I guess I'm still holding onto something that I know will probably never happen because somewhere deep down inside of me, I have this little piece of hope that someday, it will."**_


	4. Chapter 3: Hazel

First off, SO SORRY for the late update, I know I missed two! So, I will be posting two extra chapters for the next update because I am so behind. Thanksgiving is coming up! Three days! In this chapter, Hazel reflects on what she's thankful for. Again, sorry for the late update! I haven't forgotten, life's just been life.

* * *

I finally get out of my car and walk up to Isaac's house. Neil nudges Isaac, but he's already standing. There's a smile on his face, and on mine too. I give Neil a big hug and a high five, even though I know he's not twelve anymore. "Man, you're growing so tall! Soon, you're gonna be taller than me!" He grins and says "I'm already taller than you, Hazel." I stand on my tippy toes but give up, laughing. This kid is a giant and he's only a freshman. I remember meeting Neil for the first time. He was such a scrawny little kid. He's obviously grown out of it, and looks how Isaac did at 15, except taller; extremely taller. "Hazel Nut." His warm, sweet chocolaty voice fills my ears and I sigh at his nickname for me. Brings back Support Group memories. "Hey Isaac." "Were you just flirting with my younger brother?", he mock accuses. I know he's joking but in a need to defend myself I blurt out "HE'S GROWING UP SO FAST" and fake sob into my hands so he knows I'm joking too. And yet, I feel his warmth behind me and his hands on my shoulders. Shivers run up and down my spine as if dancing the freaking tango. I don't turn around because I'm afraid of seeing his face and being sucked in by everything that is Isaac. All relationships don't have to lead to love. I'm fine with being friends, in fact I'm quite happy just being friends. And yet, I feel so comfortable being in his arms. It feels right. Like something I've been missing for so long. I take his hand and lead him up the steps and into the house where we meet his mother. She asks me how I've been and I say cancer free, for now. She says that's good and then Isaac says something to his mom in muted tones. She's looking at me with suspicion. God I hate it when adults look at me like I'm up to something. She nods at something he says and then leaves the room.

"What was that? Why did your mom look at me like I have cancer?"

"Well you do, and it was nothing."

I don't say anything. How could I believe _that_?

"She just didn't expect you to be over so early."

"Seriously?" I groan. "Not her too."

"Yes, her too. She cares about you Hazel. You know we go back a loooooong time. You're like the daughter she never had."

"Or the daughter she'd never want. Isaac, really? One kid with cancer isn't enough, she has to have two?"

"You know what I meant. Come on, I wanna show you something."

* * *

He makes his way upstairs and into his room, with me following close behind him. I sit down at his desk while he goes into his closet and pulls out a shoebox. He comes over to me and sits down on the floor.

"There's no easy way to do this, so I'm just going to start talking."

"I remember the day he first saw you, the day he came to Support Group with me. There was something about his actions that just got more cautious. As if someone was watching him. As if you were watching him. Later that night, he calls me up and tells me he's seen the most beautiful girl and needs to see more of her. He couldn't stop talking about this girl who was so different from everyone else. You were on his mind. He wanted to be with you. Me being the cynical non believer I was, I told him he was crazy and that love at first sight was just a myth and nonexistent; it was a rumour started by someone to give people false hope. He didn't care. He wanted a chance with this Hazel girl. He knew that relationships were tricky, especially for two teenage kids with cancer. But he wanted to give it a shot if it meant he would be happy. He started writing these letters. I don't know what they entail, but before he went-"

Isaac pauses and takes a deep breath. He's holding back his tears, as he's done so many times these last few months. He's been a rock. I wish he would crumble and deal with the pain. Maybe he is. Maybe he isn't. I don't know.

"Promise me you will read every one. You were his everything."

"Are you ready?", he asks me.

"I don't know. Yes. Wait, no. Sure, sure, sure. No. Wait."

I don't think I'll ever be ready. It's like in P.S I Love You where Holly gets these letters at random from her late lover Gerry OH MY GOD THIS IS EXACTLY HOW IT IS IN P.S I LOVE YOU OH MY GOSH I'M HOLLY. I remember I didn't want to watch that movie. But I did. And it was like watching my life ten years from now if Augustus were still alive. I take a minute to mentally prepare myself for the worst and so much pain, and tell Isaac I'm ready. I open the box and sure enough, there are bundles of letters tied together with twine. Hazel Grace is scrawled across each one, in that perfect calligraphic handwriting of Augustus Waters. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'll later realize that it was a powerful thing, his love. He made sure-he wanted to make sure I would be okay even after he was gone. I wouldn't have had this moment were Gus still alive. If Isaac hadn't done this for me. I don't know what pact he and Gus made, but I'm thankful for their friendship and for his. I'm thankful to be alive. Thankful for Isaac. And I'm thankful I knew Augustus Waters as Gus _and_ Augustus. I learned something when I saw those letters. Nothing, and I mean nothing, can stop love from completing its trial. The brokenhearted will learn to love again if at first, they let themselves learn to trust again. I'm on my way to trusting. I know I'm not alone in this. I have Isaac, my mom, Dr. Maria, and my dad. I'm not ready to open a letter yet, but I tell Isaac thanks. He scoots closer to me and hugs me. The hug turns into him holding me. My head has nestled into his shoulder and my arms are tangled up in his hair. That's when a tear slides down my face. Soon, I'm sobbing. His grip gets tighter around me, as if he's trying to protect me from the harsh world that has broken me into so many pieces. His chin rests on my head, and we just sit there; me crying my eyes out and him holding me. Protecting me.

"And I can't be running back and forth forever between grief and high delight." -J.D Salinger


	5. Update

Dear readers:

Thank you for all the support thus far! I am glad you are enjoying it!

Now as for why it's been about a month since I've updated? I know, I don't like excuses either, so think of this as the Voice of Reason and Explanation.

FIRST OF ALL: I wrote this really amazing chapter in Isaac's point of view that was seriously coated in awesomesauce. It was dripping in awesomesauce and it was so beautiful, like I was picturing a pedestal and a single beam of light shining down on it and the heavenly choirs singing ahhhhh in the background. BUT: I lost the file. I lost the file. *facepalm* Way to go, ASWAH. Right, I feel like I should be hanging my head in shame. *hangs head in shame*.

Second of all: It's been busy. Finals week and prep and such. I've been trying to write, but I'm the kind of writer who doesn't constantly swim in a pool of inspiration. I need to like watch a really sad movie or like scroll through John Green's twitter page and then read a really depressing book to be inspired. Okay, that sounds a bit backwards, but I'm backwards. Why be normal when you can be weird? I'm working on a new chapter I swear, and I'm going to stop promisingi things because I don't want to make promoises I can't keep. So those of you asking for me to post new chapters, I'm working on it. I love that you guys love it and please keep the reviews coming. I know it's not as good as John wrote TFiOS, but hey, I'm only _.

Oh yeah, I'm on Twitter, if any of you people do that stuff. If you want to follow me (though I have no idea why anyone would want to follow me) PM me for my handle cus I'm not about to blow my identity right here. HA!

Thank you for sticking with me, and I'm going to try to put up some more chapters soon. That's not a promise, but a suggestion. For myself.

And here's a quote from my wall just cus.

"Do more of what makes you happy."

Okay. I will write my heart and soul out in a poem. Because that makes me happy. What makes YOU happy?

Best wishes in this hectic holiday season,

ASWAH


End file.
